What Is Parentification and How Can It Impact You in Your Adult Life?
When you were younger, did your parents rely on you for emotional support? Did it sometimes seem like you were the one taking care of them instead of the other way around? Did other adults comment about you having an old soul or being wise beyond your years?
Parentification happens when parents directly or indirectly place excess emotional or physical responsibilities on their children. In many ways, they often perceive them as more mature or capable than they really are. As a result, if this happened to you, you may feel like you were forced to grow up quickly.
Let’s get into more about why this happens and how it may be affecting you now.
Why Do Parents Parentify Their Children?
Being a parent is undoubtedly challenging. Doing it well requires immense sacrifice, commitment, and maturity. Likewise, good parenting requires attuning to your child’s needs and aiming to meet them safely and effectively.
Sometimes, however, the parent cannot meet these needs. As a result, the child must “step up” to support the family’s well-being. When this happens, a role reversal occurs where the parent starts relying on the child to meet their needs.
Most parents do not maliciously parentify their children. It’s often an unconscious pattern, but it can happen when someone in the family:
was parentified themselves as a child.
struggles with a mental health condition or addiction
has a severe medical condition
dies unexpectedly
experiences severe financial or legal issues
grows up in a single parent family
grows up in a country where their parents do not speak the dominant language and the child serves as the parent’s translator
What Are the Main Symptoms of Parentification?
Parentification exists on a spectrum. For instance, in an extreme case, a parent might solely rely on a child to run the household and care for all the other siblings. In milder cases, a parent may occasionally vent about their struggles at work hoping their child will provide support.
Some clear signs that you may have been parentified include:
being responsible for tasks that were not age-appropriate (driving too early, cooking meals at a young age, staying home from school to take care of a sick sibling)
feeling like you needed to be your parent’s emotional support system (confidante, best friend, emotional sounding board, therapist)
continuing to live at home because you feared what would happen to your family if you moved out
working from a young age to pay household bills
lying, hiding, or downplaying a parent’s inappropriate behavior
being solely responsible for taking care of other siblings
having little to no memories of playtime or having fun
feeling like your innocence or childhood was robbed from you
How Might Parentification Affect You as an Adult?
It’s normal if you feel angry, resentful or sad about your childhood. it’s also normal if you find yourself defending or validating your parent’s struggles. Parentification can make both childhood and adulthood difficult- here are some ways your past experiences might be impacting you now.
Poor Attachment to Others
Secure attachment refers to the emotional safety shared between two people. When a child feels securely attached to their caregiver, they trust that they are safe and protected. They are more likely to have higher self-esteem and enjoy healthy relationships with others.
Unfortunately, parentifed children rarely feel securely attached to their caregivers. As a result, you may not feel very safe from others. Instead, you might feel mistrustful, guarded, or withdrawn from people. Or, as an opposite reaction, you may become overly clingy and rush into intense relationships very quickly.
People-Pleasing Tendencies
If you grew up always trying to please your parents, it makes sense that you would carry this trait into your adult life.
Parentified children often must guess what their parent needs at a given time. Subsequently, you may put other people’s needs ahead of their own. You might also assume that people will abandon or otherwise hurt you if you can’t meet their needs.
Lack of Identity
Childhood and adolescence are critical times for self-exploration. During these phases, you build a sense of who you are. This insight will naturally evolve over time, but it starts in those early years.
However, if you spent most of your childhood caring for others, you didn’t get the chance to care for yourself. As an adult, you may struggle with feeling directionless, unmotivated, or apathetic. In addition, you may not really know who you are or what you like.
What Should You Do If You’re Struggling?
If you identify with being a parentified child, it can feel confusing and frustrating. You may feel discouraged about your ability to heal.
That said, many parentified children do grow up and live meaningful, fulfilling lives. Growth often starts with awareness and self-compassion. You need to be willing to recognize what happened in the past and validate yourself for your experiences.
At the same time, it’s important to seek support. Parentification can be a form of emotional trauma, and this trauma can impact both your physical and emotional well-being.
At Lakeside Counseling, we are here to help. We understand how your past experiences can shape your current thoughts and feelings. We can support you in your growth journey. Contact us today to schedule a consultation.