Emotional Affair Recovery: A Guide to Taking Care of Yourself
Do you feel strongly attracted to someone who isn’t your partner? Are you conflicted about your values, priorities, or desires? Do you feel guilty or ashamed, even if you’ve never touched the other person?
If so, you’re certainly not alone. Research shows that anywhere from 25%-50% of people have had an emotional affair at some point during their lives. And while these experiences are inherently unique, most people feel anxious and frustrated by their situations.
However, emotional affair recovery is possible. Here’s what you need to know.
Commit to Ending the Affair
To heal from an emotional affair, you need to explicitly end it. You can’t just passively expect things to improve or resolve on their own.
The first step is labeling the experience and taking personal responsibility for what happened. Even if you want to avoid your feelings or reality, ongoing denial may enable you to continue engaging in the affair.
Emotional affairs tend to progress over time. They may start with innocent, occasional flirting, but they can unravel into deep feelings of connection. So if you feel like you’re obsessed with someone else, that’s a clear indicator that it’s time to reevaluate the situation.
People involved in such affairs don’t necessarily have malicious motives. For example, you may have every intention to remain faithful to your partner. But you’ve also likely become more defensive, withdrawn, and secretive as the affair has evolved.
Even if it’s painful, it’s important that you acknowledge and validate your feelings throughout this vulnerable time. This process is essential for your emotional affair recovery. The more you try to resist your feelings, the stronger they often become.
Many people experience a grief process once the affair ends. This is normal, and it doesn’t make you a bad person. It’s okay to feel sad or angry or even confused. Sitting with those intense feelings, even if they scare you, allows you to recognize them for what they are and heal appropriately.
Be Transparent
An emotional affair won’t automatically doom your relationship, but keeping secrets and lying will. If you want to stay loyal and committed to your partner, it’s important to be honest moving forward.
If you choose to discuss the affair, you owe it to your partner to answer their questions openly and without defensiveness. Similarly, you both must come together to define appropriate boundaries and parameters within your relationship.
For example, what hard lines do you two need to discuss? What do you both need from one another to restore a sense of trust and safety?
Consider Couples Therapy
It’s no secret that emotional affairs often indicate the presence of ongoing problems in relationships. And while it may be tempting to try to disregard these issues, ignoring them can cause them to persist.
In addition, you might not be sure if or how you should tell your partner about the emotional affair. Couples therapy offers a safe, supportive environment to explore these significant questions.
Therapy can also help you both:
identify and set appropriate relationship boundaries
restore intimacy and trust
collaborate on how to support each other’s feelings
review future goals for the relationship
If your partner refuses couples therapy, ask them if they are willing to try it for a few sessions. Sometimes, they just need to experience therapy first-hand to really understand its benefits.
If they still refuse, consider going yourself. Processing your feelings about the affair- and learning new coping skills to manage related distress- can help you move forward in your healing.
Embrace Love over Obsession or Infatuation
Emotional affairs feel so tantalizing because you’re falling in love with a projection of a person. You’re smitten with a novel idea, with this image of who someone could be and how they could fit into your life. At the same time, you don’t really have to commit to anything. You get to enjoy the fantasy without the work.
In other words, it just isn’t realistic. Real relationships are flawed. They have ups and downs and boring moments. When you truly love someone, you see
Try to remind yourself this often. Real love stands the test of time. Obsession and infatuation quickly fade.
Cultivate and Commit to Your Relationship
Many people take their partners for granted once they are in long-term relationships. This isn’t a conscious choice- it’s simply a reaction to getting used to one another.
That’s why being proactive can make such a meaningful difference. Investing time, energy, and money in your relationship is one of the best ways to heal from an emotional affair. You can start this process by asking yourself:
What small steps can I take to improve our quality time together?
How can I show my partner more love?
What can I do today to strengthen our relationship?
What is missing in our relationship, and what’s my part in restoring that missing piece?
Final Thoughts
Healing from an emotional affair can take time. Honesty, self-forgiveness, and open communication are essential to your recovery journey.
Therapy can help you feel supported during this challenging time. At Lakeside Counseling, we are here to guide and listen to you without judgment. Contact us today to schedule your free consultation.