How to Cope When You Love Someone You Can't Have

Even if we know it’s dangerous, we can sometimes feel drawn to what’s taboo or forbidden. Attraction is no different, and love certainly doesn’t always operate from a logical place. But how do you cope when you love someone you can’t have? 

Is it worth fantasizing and flirting and hoping for something more? Or do you need to cut your losses and end your friendship completely? Let’s get into what you need to know.

Tips for When You Love Someone You Can’t Have 

It’s painful to feel attracted to someone who’s already taken. You might feel angry or jealous of their partner- you may assume they can’t appreciate this person for all they are worth. Or, you might feel insecure and sad. You may worry that you’ll be stuck being alone and never find the right person.

If you like someone who’s taken, it’s important to be proactive with how you cope. Here are some tips to keep in mind. 

Accept Your Feelings 

Rather than trying to conceal, intellectualize, or even deny how you feel, try to accept them. Nothing is wrong with you, and most people struggle with this problem at some point during their lives.

Furthermore, these feelings won’t just disappear suddenly. But you can have feelings without acting on them, and it may be important to remind yourself that. 

If you feel like you’re drowning in emotions, try to shift your focus to what you can control. For example, you might not be able to control feeling sad or lonely, but you can control how you react, behave, and spend your time. 

Avoid Excess Temptation

As much as possible, try to limit your exposure to this person. This suggestion is easier said than done. It will feel painful, especially if you two are close friends, but it’s in your best interest.

But the more wrapped up you get in spending time together, the easier it is to let your mind wander. You might even start justifying potentially inappropriate behaviors like flirty touching, sexting, or building stronger emotional attachments. But, over time, your feelings of envy, sadness, or anger will likely intensify. 

So, try to set limits for yourself. If some interactions are unavoidable (like if you’re coworkers or spending time with mutual friends), try to keep the conversations brief. Consider in advance how you want to respond if they ask about your change in behavior. In most cases, it makes things feel worse if you disclose your feelings. Most of the time, it’s better to be vague and try to focus your attention elsewhere. 

Remember It Can Be an Illusion 

The idea of being with an unavailable person can be tantalizing because you don’t have to fully commit to them. In a sense, they stay on their perfect pedestal, and the fantasies feel like a dreamy happily-ever-after.

But in reality, this is never the case. Most emotional affairs come with heartache and sorrow, and they can profoundly hurt all the people involved. 

Focus More On Yourself 

Sometimes, we fall into damaging behaviors when we aren’t taking adequate care of ourselves. And while the distraction can provide short-term relief, the consequences can be immense. 

Try to shift your focus away from a potential partner and onto yourself. Doing so can relieve some of the intense feelings associated with your attraction. If you’re preoccupied with your own hobbies or other relationships, you will likely spend less time ruminating on the other person.

This doesn’t mean making yourself so busy that you’re completely avoiding your feelings. But dialing in on your self-care and prioritizing your own needs can help you feel more empowered. 

Consider if It’s a Pattern 

Have you been in this frustrating position before? If you frequently fall for the people you can’t have, you may be struggling with a deeper issue. 

Some people fall into a rhythm of feeling attracted to unavailable people. In a way, they subconsciously “hurt themselves” before someone else can hurt them. But it’s a self-fulfilling prophecy- by avoiding real intimacy or trying to date unavailable people, you often continue feeling lonely and sad. 

Sometimes, these patterns emerge from trauma or from a history of bad relationships. However, they can also come from having low self-esteem. Regardless, if it’s a pattern, it likely merits more insight and evaluation. 

How Therapy Can Help If You’re Struggling 

Getting involved with someone unavailable is rarely worth it. Moreover, following through with an affair typically creates even more problems. 

But if you’re struggling with your feelings- or if you’re already involved with someone who’s taken- therapy provides support and offers a safe place for self-exploration. You can learn to cope with this difficult experience and practice new skills to manage your discomfort. 

At Lakeside Counseling, we are here for you. Contact us today to get started!