Why Self-Forgiveness Matters (And How to Practice It)

Are you your own worst critic? Do you mercilessly shame yourself when you make a mistake- no matter how small it is?

Self-forgiveness means letting go of self-imposed resentments and judgments. It’s a path towards acceptance, and it allows you to recognize that you’re entitled to making mistakes as you move through life.

Here’s why it matters and how you can integrate these principles into your everyday life.

What Is Self-Forgiveness?

Self-forgiveness is rooted in self-compassion, which refers to being kind, accepting, and patient with yourself. People who practice self-forgiveness recognize their inherent worth, and they make an effort to appreciate themselves.

With that, they don’t strive for total perfectionism or control. They understand that life ebbs and flows, and they try to maintain a sense of purpose and gratitude as they navigate certain obstacles.

Self-forgiveness also means recognizing that you will make mistakes. You might not like this reality, but it’s important to remind yourself that mistakes don’t define your worth. When you can forgive yourself, you can embrace that you are only human.

And because we are all only human, we all have areas where we need to grow, reflect, and heal. Being mindful of these areas- rather than judging them- allows us to live more intentionally and wholeheartedly.

How Do You Practice Self-Forgiveness?

Self-forgiveness isn’t necessarily a single act. It’s more of a mindset that you can cultivate over time. When you honor this mindset, you honor being fully human. That means acknowledging that mistakes and hardships are inevitable.

Label What Happened

If you’re finding it hard to forgive yourself for something specific, try to be objective in acknowledging what you did. Learning from your mistakes requires that you define them accurately. This step is necessary for holding yourself accountable.

So, try to set aside your judgments and biases and focus on exactly what happened. What role did you play in the situation? Who was affected, and how were they affected? At the time, what other options existed?

It might be helpful to write down the incident as you recall it. Again, try to be objective. While your emotions matter, you want to focus on the specific actions you hope to change next time.

Engage In Positive Self-Talk

Self-forgiveness starts with how you speak to yourself. How do you generally react when you make a mistake? Are you patient and tolerable? Or, like most people, do you tend to become angry, critical, and demeaning?

It’s unfortunate that we can be so kind to others- while being so cruel to ourselves. Practicing self-kindness means trying to undo some of that negativity.

Positive self-talk needs to be realistic to be effective. You can’t just tell yourself a bunch of cliched platitudes, hoping they will make you feel better. Some examples of helpful self-talk might include:

• “I did the best I could in that situation.”

• “There weren’t any great outcomes, but I will do my best to accept what happened.”

• “No matter what happens, I am still worthy.”

• “I trust that I can forgive myself for this.”

Acknowledge Guilt

Guilt can be an essential motivator in changing actions. Research shows it may also help shape morals and support people in acknowledging their wrongdoings.

Self-forgiveness doesn’t mean you shouldn’t hold yourself accountable or avoid reflecting on how you can do better in the future. Instead, it means you should do your best to avoid assuming that making a bad decision inherently means you are a bad person.

That’s the core difference between shame and guilt. Guilt means feeling poorly about something you did; shame means feeling poorly over who you are.

Let yourself feel the guilt. It will eventually pass, but it may act as a crucial reminder of how you want to conduct yourself in the future.

Focus on Solutions

It can be easy to ruminate on the issue or obsess about what you should have done differently. But neither of these strategies will change what happened.

Instead, try to shift your attention into a problem-solving mode. How can you grow from this situation? What specific actions can you take to improve how you feel? Who might you need to apologize to right now?

Focusing on solutions can help you feel more empowered about moving forward in the right direction. It also gives you permission to take ownership over what happened without being a victim to it.

How Therapy Helps With Self-Forgiveness

Self-forgiveness isn’t easy, especially if you have a history of trauma, unhealthy relationships, or other mental health issues. Subsequently, you may have spent many years criticizing and shaming yourself. Undoing all that certainly takes time.

However, therapy can offer the essential blueprints for healing. You and your therapist can work together to help you feel more confident and secure with yourself.

At Lakeside Counseling, we are here to support you. Contact us today to learn more!