What Is Trauma Bonding and How Can It Impact Your Relationships?
Why do unhappy spouses stay in toxic marriages? Why do children often want to impress hostile, dismissive parents? Why do we tolerate relationships where people disrespect us?
The answer may lie in trauma bonding, a phenomenon where people feel attached to patterns of abuse with another person. Trauma bonding can be difficult to understand. But if you’re experiencing it, it’s important to understand its impact and how you can cope. Let’s get into what you need to know.
What Is Trauma Bonding?
At a fundamental level, trauma bonding refers to the attachment people form toward their abusers. When you feel trauma-bonded to someone, you still feel connected to them. And even if you recognize their behavior as problematic, you might find yourself excusing, diminishing, or otherwise tolerating it.
As a result, this attachment often feels chaotic because you feel conflicting emotions about your relationship. Others may not understand this whirlwind- instead, they might become frustrated or unsympathetic and insist that you deserve better.
Trauma bonding can happen in any relationship, whether it’s romantic, platonic, or familial. Both children and adults can experience this phenomenon, and it can persist as long as the relationship remains intact. Some of the common signs of trauma bonding include:
Feeling like you’re always walking on eggshells in your relationship
Feeling like the other person alternates between loving you and hating you
Frequently excusing or defending problematic behavior
Believing things will get better in the future
Assuming that the abuse is your fault (especially if your abuser tells you it is)
Discounting the abuse and its overall impact on your well-being
Becoming angry or reactive towards people who “call out” the abusive behavior
Feeling terrified about “ending” or setting limits in the relationship
It’s important to note that trauma bonding isn’t necessarily rooted in logic. After all, you may logically recognize that someone disrespected you. You might experience anger, shame, and fear about the relationship.
But, at the same time, you may also experience love, admiration, empathy, concern, shame, or sadness towards the person who hurt you. These competing emotions often make it difficult to know where you stand in your current dynamic.
How Does Trauma Bonding Impact Relationships?
Trauma bonding may impact you in many ways. For example, you may find it challenging to trust others. You might assume that people will hurt you, that you can’t fully let your guard down. As a result, people could perceive you as standoffish or aloof.
Or, you may move into the opposite extreme. You may find yourself trusting too easily. You might really want to feel accepted and loved, causing you to struggle with setting boundaries for yourself. Other people could interpret these behaviors as clingy or desperate.
How Does Healing Happen?
Recovery from trauma bonding can be complex. It doesn’t happen overnight, and it’s important to be kind to yourself during this growth process.
Healing typically includes behavioral change along with proactive efforts towards self-compassion and self-respect. Here are some other tips to keep in mind.
Protect Your Imminent Safety
If you are currently in an abusive relationship, it’s important to make a safety plan. Timing is important, and you want to ensure that you and any dependents have safe options for escaping.
Safety planning may include learning more about local resources, such as shelters, financial assistance, law enforcement, and crisis counseling. Depending on your circumstances, it may also likely entail tapping into your trusted friends and family for additional guidance.
Set Boundaries
Boundaries honor your personal integrity and ensure that you look after your own needs. Unfortunately, people with traumatic pasts may find setting limits challenging.
Boundaries start by recognizing your non-negotiable needs. What behaviors, for example, do you no longer want to tolerate? How do you expect others to treat you? What do respect and love mean to you?
By asking yourself these questions- and answering them honestly- you will have a roadmap for building healthier relationships.
Avoid Blaming Yourself
Trauma bonding is often insidious, and anyone can be susceptible to it. It’s reasonable to want to give others the benefit of the doubt, even when they hurt you. In addition, many people internalize blame if their abusers continuously blame them for the problems in the relationship.
It’s important to try to minimize or eliminate self-deprecation. Nobody deserves abuse. Moreover, nobody deserves to suffer from believing it’s their fault that the trauma occurred.
Seek Professional Support
Trauma bonding can exacerbate mental health issues, such as depression and anxiety. Likewise, it can complicate your existing relationships and strain how connected you feel with others.
Therapy provides a supportive space for better understanding your thoughts and feelings. Moreover, structured treatments, like EMDR, can help desensitize you from the painful impact trauma has on your life.
At Lakeside Counseling, we understand how trauma can affect every facet of your well-being. We are here, and we are ready to help you heal. Contact us today to schedule your complimentary consultation.